It's time to write again

It’s time to write again. I haven’t written for a long time. Not this stuff anyway, because it simply didn’t cross my mind to do so. This is a bad thing. I get a lot out of writing, a lot of introspection, a lot of joy, a lot of clarity - so if I’m not writing it’s quite likely that I’m missing some of that. I can trace back when I stopped writing this way pretty accurately; the last draft in my writings folder is from the end of April which uncoincidentally was the last time I wrote a short story for someone. What else happened at the end of April? Oh aye, the countdown on when I should have known the status of my visa overclocked 

I had applied and paid for a self-employment visa in the Netherlands, they had 6 months to review and make a decision, 6 months passed, I heard nothing, and I stopped writing. 

The last 6 months have taught me I depend on several pillars to be happy - not happy, to feel good, to be able to do the things I want to do. When one pillar is missing, thankfully, it’s not that I fall into some deep depression or panic but it seems my mind has to use some other headspace, some other cognitive resource to compensate for it. 

When a big question mark sat on top of my visa, again, the stability of home was kicked out from underneath me. It wasn’t the end of the world, I had options and I could work the problem, but some amount of my brain committed itself to not giving into despair. Unfortunately, that was the part that got me to do the writing. 

Since then, the different pillars of my life have been pretty unstable, coming in and out of stability pretty regularly - sometimes all at once like a month and a half ago when within the span of seven days I found out my visa would be rushed to a decision (10 months after submitting the application), I found out my main source of income would need me to go to 50% and would possibly go under, I found out my land-lord wants her flat back and so I had two months to leave, and I had a bike accident and broke my arm in two places. 

Now, it’s not all bad, I have friends who took care of me and gave me breathing room in all this - I have a D&D group that I run games for that gave me many nights of happy tears, I have friends far away whose calls and messages were like tying helium filled blimps to my heart, and I had some really wonderful trips (around some truly awful trips), with one of my favourite people ever. It’s telling that in and around the good trips I even did some small amount of writing again. A best man speech for my best man Hasan, an original fairytale for an Irish storytelling event I was invited to by a wonderful writing friend in Amsterdam. 

Though when those 7 days hit at the beginning of October, those were some rough times and all the headspace was committed to not imploding. 

I’m coming out of that now at least, as you can tell by the fact you are reading words I have written. I got the approval of the visa, I’m going to be house sitting for a dear friend in Amsterdam while she’s away for a few months to give me time to find a place, I’m feeling good about my prospects for finding work or a new job in the coming months, and my arm is almost fully healed. 

About a week ago the part of my brain that wants to write unlocked and I got back to editing a novel I’m writing, and now, as the wound continues to heal, I’m back wanting to write here.

How many times have I stopped and started this again? I don’t know. I know I’ve apologised for it before but I’m not going to do that this time, this is where I write for me and people get to watch if they want to but it’s not for anyone. It’s just for me.   

That’s all I’ll say about that, let’s put it behind us.